QUARANTINE AND KONJI
PG 16
Or should we say...
Quarantine and the single Pringles. Quarantine and the long distance relationships.
Quarantine without boo/bae.
Quarantine and the God when geng.And worst of all, quarantine with parents 💔.
Argh! Please don’t look at me with those religious judgmental looks (me wondering why you actually clicked on this story’s link in the first place). Well, Someone just had to talk about this and here I am to save the day 😊. From either of the above subject that relates to you, I do wish you have the best time reading this.
So usually I would have sat to write most times with my ears plugged in some sad voiceless songs to set me in the mood, a couple of tracks from “Birdy, Sleeping at Last, Novo Amor, Kodaline, Christina Perri, Labrynth on rare occasions and other bunch of tracks I can’t trace their artiste name but are really cool yeah. This night though, like since the beginning of this lockdown, quarantine album by Teni has been on repeat in my ears especially “Isolate” (she hasn’t paid me for this free promotion). And yeah! I was inspired by many to write about this topic already. I only hope my pastors and Christian acquaintances don’t come for me after now.
“In the name of the God you serve, please if you are not above 16 and you have made it this far, I beg you cancel this page and go to bed. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for whatever your immatured minute perspective and interpretation of the contents of this write-up would be.”
KONJI
A disgusting-denigrating word with the ability to besmirch your royal-golden reputation to the world if they ever hear it from you. We (the elite class) never speak about it in our religious institutions; churches, mosque, learning institution or work. May be we do, but definitely not in that manner. We beautify the word with some well structured British-Queen’s English like “urges”. Cool right? 😏
Well, anyways you choose to call it. Let me further disappoint you that there is no universal definition for “Konji” and except you don’t know the meaning to this word, please again go to bed 😏.
It is the year 2020 and the whole world is echoing the same language — Quarantine, lockdown, social distancing, hand sanitiser, nose masks, hand gloves all for Covid’19. As the virus seemed to spread, many more virus sprang up such as hunger virus, sleeping virus, no work virus, TikTok challenge virus, boredom virus but most of all is our interest in konji virus.
While the married adults may never understand the disguised gift and blessing they have of living together in this lock down, it is merely punishment to those who are:
- Single and live alone.
- Single, live alone with no friend around.
- Single, live alone, no friends, no data.
- Single, live alone, no friends, no data, no electricity.
- Single, live alone, no friends, no data, no electricity, no money, no food.
- In a relationship but live alone.
- In a long distance relationship.
- Worse is living alone, locked down in harmattan season (the hugging season)
It can be very hard on the mind. Really I don’t want to comprehend on your behalf how hard it may be especially when you scroll through some deep romantic stories online and your configured reply is “God when”.
God: Never ever cause you have turned away all I sent to you with your shitty attitudes.
Back to KONJI…
The sexual urge you feel when you reach puberty stage.
I should probably blame the parents and the societal system we live in today for not creating enough platforms to talk about our emotions and feelings when we grew older into some sexual tingling. Now many have resorted to masturbation, pornography and all manner of stuffs we don’t want to talk about. We kept silent about them and expect that magically, the pastor’s message or imam message would turn everyone’s heart away from some craziness. Well well well, did we deceive ourselves 😂. At most, 6 out of 10 persons are addicted to other means self sexual satisfaction.
“It is what it is…”
Some key positions in some charismatic institutions are also involved in this konjified behaviors. Trust me they don’t just say it out cause they paint a perfect image of themselves to you, make you believe they are saints and all that crap but it is what it is.
So, for many years they lived in the shadows talking less of their feelings and sexual urges and it kept on growing and growing until Bam! Corona virus hits and we are forced into quarantine.
QUARANTINE SPECIAL
The married don’t need their partner sending nudes to them cause they literally see it all daily. But those in a mandatory lock down long distance relationships 😂 or should we say quarantine relationships survive by requesting for a lot of nudes from their partner to survive the harsh konji weather.
The “single Pringles and God when geng” have been doing all to get busy by being more productive I suppose. Skimming the internet for boring news and more life torturing romantic scenes.
And yes, we have the “take advantage of the holiday to gather certificate and build capacity”. Taking all free online course to build a skill whereas behind those desires are Savage hunger to be better than your peers. Life is not a competition my dears. Sinzu has been a motivation to many of us to never give up in our quest to be rich and wealthy but not at the expense of your health. Please take quality breaks sometimes. If you like use your remaining money to do online course, when data finish, you don become drop out be that o 😒.
The “take all challenge” geng too dey there. Push up challenge, don’t rush challenge, bop daddy challenge, pillow fight challenge, break your head challenge, all manner of challenges Sha.
*For a moment there, the writer felt like he was spilling too much about you already but he thought to speak up and help some of y’all*
So please before you cock your guns and come for me, let me finish up with some helping tips.
HOW TO SURVIVE KONJI IN QUARANTINE SEASON
As a forceful professional in therapy and counselling, I may have found some tips to keep you alive in this quarantine/ lock down season.
I would like us to note first of all that our individual sexual activeness is different from the other and so while some are waiting till the wedding night to unleash all hell on their partner, some have been battling with an active sexual life (come on, don’t be quick to judge). Some have an extreme medical conditions such as “Bipolar Disorder” (click to read more) which causes hyper-sexuality.
How then do we combat konji in quarantine.
- TALK ABOUT IT (Therapy)
- Talk to your closest friends not of the opposite sex if you are single.
- To your partner/ spouse if in a relationship.
- To your parents/ guardian if you are neither engaged and live with them.
Don’t be ashamed because you bring up the sex topic. Sex isn’t a secret. You should talk more about it so as to ease your mind. “Konji na bastard” is the oldest slang in the book but no one talks about it until the consequences of nine month shows up.
2. VISIT A DOCTOR (Medical)
Yours might just be one of those medical cases if you feel those urge too often. The doctors know the antidepressants drugs, mood stabilisers to recommend and other possible solutions.
3. PRAY TO GOD (Spiritual)
I recommend you pray and engage God more often and personally not just reaching out to your spiritual leaders and load them with news of your Konji moods.
WHAT IF YOU ACTUALLY DO LIVE ALONE ?😂
So here you are thinking of konji because you feel it and don’t know what to do?
- Get your mind BUSY.
- Distract your own distractions and stay focused.
- Learn a free course.
- Do some challenges.
- Joke around and stop being too serious and matured with life.
- Make new friends online and chat till you can’t no more.
- Pray more
- Eat a-lot.
- Sleep a-lot.
- Step out for some fresh air.
- Check online videos for creative ideas.
- Write a book.
- Read a book.
- Watch movies on netnaija.com and prolly finish the movies on Netflix.
In all you do, remember to stay mentally stable and healthy, else you may step out of this quarantine a mad man. So please remind yourself of the goals you have set and keep to it. If you don’t have a goal yet, no wahala. It’s okay to decide to just chill, workout, eat and sleep this period. It’s totally Okay.
Do whatever it is that makes you and your God happy. You may only live once and may never have this quarantine opportunity again in your life time. So make the best of it and avoid the devil.
My distinguished readers, I am glad you read up till now. Please don’t forget to tap the hands sign you will see below this story (it symbolises our “like on social media” here) and follow me for more interesting outside the box write-ups.
Till we jam again, stay safe, stay alive and stay Happy.
Solanke Olamilekan.
