“Lagos State — the centre for excellence, the most economically important state in Nigeria, arguably the smallest in area of all 36 states but the most populated of them all. A state with the most financial capital for her nation with vast economic achievements from infrastructures to....”
This was a brief in a "black past" article by Caelen Anacker in 2010 titled "Lagos, Nigeria (C. 1350-).
Glorious remarks right? Well, this used to be the "Eko" we all knew. But sadly, Lagos feeds on her glorious past. A city now known for her endless economic busyness with the longest highest traffic recordings in Nigeria. Her residents— both metropolitans (the Islanders & mainlanders) and the villagers in the city (Ikorodu, Mushin, Agege, Ijesha, Oshodi) now known by many to be wild animals living in a zoo, senior colleagues to the men in WWE extreme sport and surely, mentors to the guys at Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI). Some are mad, others are just roaming but all in all, Lagos is a place for extreme sports.
If you can survive a year or more in Lagos state, Nigeria, you can be a champ at any wrestling game all over the world. No wonder Israel Adesanya, the reigning UFC champion spent only 13 years in Lagos before moving to New Zealand and still, baba has been winning on all sides with 32 - 0 knock-out records. Kamaru Usman and a host of others (we won’t finish this list, trust me).
A tweet captioned:
"can you marry a mad person?"
the reply was just another mad representation of the Lagos lifestyle "what’s wrong in marrying someone who lives in Lagos?"
Femi, surely this day never “expererit” neither did he know what waited in line for him as he set out to sleep on his already soaked bed. It had rained heavily that day and poor-boy Femi forgot to close his windows before leaving home. The gates of heaven was released that day and the whole of Lagos could testify that God was pissed about something or someone in Lagos. Who knows if not even everyone? Femi, all in a rush to leave his apartment early for work forgot to close his windows even though his instincts kept on telling him he forgot something important as he left home. This dominant instinct is always activated during rush hours and yes Femi denied attention to her warnings. Baba came back home to find his room appearing to be a modern 5-star hotel swimming pool and his bed partly soaked. Too tired and stressed out from the mad traffic that stretched out from Obalende to third Mainland bridge and finally his destination Yaba (left). By the time he had gotten home, his friends who worked farther than him in areas like Ajah, Lekki phase 1 to 20 and the likes had just entered gear 2 sleep in their ride back home. Frustrated and too tired, he pulled off the clothes his hand could reach on him and prepared to sleep.
“It is a custom as a resident of Lagos state to set alarm for everything. Yes, I mean EVERYTHING. Pre-initial alarm, initial alarm and post-initial alarm. Only the wise live and prevail by this method of survival.”
As tradition, Femi checks to ensure his birth right alarm time are still intact. The 4am alarm to call his spirit back into the body, the 4:15 am alarm — because the spirit may be too tired and need to take another nap in the body as per he has journeyed over the night, the 4:30am alarm — because by now the soul just joined the spirit man in the body. All these alarms are classified as the “pre-initial alarm” …
“Yes I forgot to mention, it is not possible to have been involved in daily activity in Lagos state, survive traffic and still retain full consciousness of your body while asleep. I mean you literally loose senses, emotions, spirit and soul while your body lie wasted on whatever mattress you get that night. I could pierce a lagosian a thousand times with different sharp objects while sleeping and he or she won’t feel a thing.
There are phases to this Gift as a Lagosian tho. Some will feel the pain immediately after they wake, some while in the cab to work because they were still sleeping on the road, others while at work and the maddest of all is after work.”
…4:45am — the initial alarm time where you would still not wake because you know deep down on the inside of you that 5am was meant to be the original initial alarm time and you have to drag yourself off the bed. 5am alarm — because this is the initial initial alarm and Femi woke up because by now spirit man and soul had rested well but guess who was still tired from all this? BODY. So sharp man Femi saw two options through the blury bulgy eye bags,
- Snooze 😓
- Dismiss 🙄
“argh God, I still need to rest small. May be just for the next 10 minute and I will wake up sharper” — Thoughts from a man who don’t know “wharisgoinon”.
In less than 0.01 seconds, spirit and soul succumbed to the thoughts of the body.
“God please wake me up in the next ten minute.” Clicking on the snooze button; which was set to ring off again in the next ten minute.
***Drags himself off his bed, says a morning prayer and straight to the bathroom. Singing and dancing knowing he has enough time before staff bus leaves the bustsop. No man is more prepared than Femi. He would have pressed all his clothes for the week down on Sunday and hang them according to the days he would need them. Fully dressed with a smooth breathe taking perfume he added. By now He was ready to leave home and yes the time says 6:30am, bus will leave by 6:45am. Lucky man, his home is nearby and he could just walk down to the pick up point for staff. In the bus now and he decided to sleep a bit atleast through the morning traffic.***
— Loud noise, Phurn Phurn, Pihn Pihn!!!
“I guess I am almost at work by now? but wait, why all this noise?”
“may be the driver is close to a truck”
“wait this noise is too loud”
“I should probably wake up"
— opens eye —
“Oh My Jeeeeesus”
“God o, God o, God o”
“Fuuunke”
Yes, this is Femi, 8:02am and a ten minute snooze became a 3 hours final knock out.
With many missed call, and countless missed post-initial alarm, baba woke up two minute after his work resumption time on his bed.
What can he do?
He sure has a query waiting in his file for him already.
“woooo, there is nothing new under the sun. I can’t kill myself”
Knocks back to bed….
Even I can’t kill myself. Till I find the strength to write to you again, Please Never Trust Snooze.
I remain yours always,
Solanke Olamilekan K.😘
