“The places we never find ourselves. Dinner or date, never marked as a spot.
Quiet indeed, but surely was never for us.”
“Here, you all stand, upon the very soil you rejected by words. Unavoidable, inescapable moments of time. Too bad it came faster than the flight. But yes, here I am rejoicing I don’t get to pay a dime.”
Remarkable showdown of tears. “Oh whao, are these drama for real or just another role playing to bill.”
— The Graveyard by Solanke Olamilekan, 2019.
With the sound of the feminists propagating the gospel of independence and self actualization in the midst of sobbing crowd, the prophetess begins her eulogy:
“My dear sisters, we are gathered this day to celebrate all the legends, fathers, brothers, uncles, sons, husband, fiances, boyfriends, side boo, main boo, undercover boo, maga, sugar boyfriend, the zoned & the un-zoned and all the male species who lie-down this day, six feet below our stand, to honour and pay our final tribute for their effortless support, unfeigned love and immeasurable financial gestures displayed to us all while alive” *prophetess sobs*
“Words really can’t explain much, just as it will fail me to preach enough about our lose and....”
*Away from the living, were sounds from afar. Unheard by the living, but a terror to the existing dead.*
*Parte After Parte*
“Kunle my guy, ahn ahn you too dey here?”
Kunle, with excitement replies “Gee O Gee baba, Guy forget say we don die o, I thank God say I dey here with all my guys wey be ballers. We don elevate be that.”
“True talk my brother, God don save us finish”. A Ned shows up in their midst, and the men begins to question him. “Bro how did you get here na?”.
Ned: “well, my old time friend messaged me not quite long after many years of not talking or chatting only to ask for two million naira to help her run her business. This was after my baby (girlfriend) requested for five million to change her wardrobe and my younger sister requested for body up keep in school a sum of two fifty thousand naira only. I was going to send half to each of them but then my mum called to ask for money to just hold herself. Then all of a sudden I found my self here.”
Bayo: “y’all are funny o, I just gave my main chick about a hundred million for vacation, Chioma my lover, thirty billion naira for the baby we expecting, Ibidun, twenty million for the owambe party...”
The men all went like “Oshey, Afunimawobe baba (one who gives without looking at his hands) what na happen o baba?”
Bayo: “well, I kept on giving till the day I decided to check my account balance. I just woke up here.”
“Wait o, where is Olori?”
Olori is the chief giver of all the men, the Otunba billee 1 of billing community. He single handedly owns the title of Eze Billee Billee 1 of Billee town. He gives liberally to all that ask. Never ending giver and always being billed by all. His case is the saddest, hence, he became the leader of the billee community unopposed. Young lad doesn’t make up to a million naira in a month but spends more than a million per month. He literally spends less than five thousand naira on self while he spends above a million naira to others known as the biller in this case.
Olori (the one whose name must not be mentioned) can borrow from every source just to satisfy a biller. His main biller is his crush — Ariike. The poor man’s salary is just #250,000 per month but spends a whopping #500,000 and above monthly on crush Ariike. How does he do it? #FAKE LIFE. Borrow from every soul to please her.
It was crush Ariike’s birthday and Olori (the one whose name must nevere be mentioned) decided to surprise crush Ariike with a car. He had borrowed funds to buy the car as a gift and have it delivered personally to her apartment. He drove around her street and saw her gate opened with standing canopies outside and a little crowd inside the apartment. Coincidentally she was just stepping out with her fiance who had come with his family to meet hers as tradition calls for introduction. The soon-to-be couple stepped out and crush Ariike saw the brand new tear rubber car drive in. With excitements, our dear crush thought it was a surprise gift from her finance and rushed him with kisses and hugs. Family members were already cheering the fiance for the gift. Olori looking blank and dazed inside the car as people walked by to access the car exteriors. Poor Olori didn’t waste time in passing out and has since then been in the realm of the dead. His story maddens every soul in this realm till date.
To the warriors who have fallen and those still falling, our condolences are with you all. Please hold the fort well, gear the younger generation to stay miles away from toxic suffocating friends who only see you for what you can give to their aids and nothing more. They are friends with you for that little and after they dry you out, — oblor blor — e don finish be that.
Danger signs for the wise to remain alive:
- Excess greetings regularly comes with a price. Make it short.
- Surprise call especially after many years is tricky and hence, suspicious.
- Stop uploading pictures of yourself in expensive environment even if it’s a #fakelife . Take more pictures in ghetto areas. Thank me later.
- If you must upload those pictures, Mute/ block all them billing agent from seeing your stats and uploads. Thank God for privacy settings.
- If she gives you shocking attention, names and sweet zones, Jaaaaaaapa.
- If she switches your zone from “bro” to “baby,” Block her or end friendship there immediately. Don’t say I didn’t warn you o.
- Live in a manageable apartment, buy a low budget car and don’t flaunt your wealth too much.
- Hey boo please I need to pay my school fees and the money on me is not complete, can you send me some mo... — send her parents phone number and all her uncles contact info.
- She arranges business meeting with you, at the restaurant she begins to order food! — break your ATM card.
- Don’t spend excessively on whom you have no promising connection with.
- Shoot your shot, but don’t throw away your guns also. BE WISE
- Live simple and not too flamboyant a lifestyle.
- Enjoy your life in silent with minimal friends.
- “I can’t download the video because my sub will soon finish” please sub for me na. — Off your phone for a week.
- Ahn ahn it’s month end already o. You promised we will visit Dubai this weekend na! *with those devilish eyes of cuteness* — like nasty, be blind deaf and dumb for at least a month.
- My phone is giving issues! — dust your iPhone away and just buy a 3310 for your use at least for two months.
- Am bored, come and take me out na! — OFF READ RECEIPT FOR A YEAR. If they call, pick up at your own risk.
- I feel like taking ice cream oh! — bro you are deaf remember? You didn’t hear anything.
- Keep people of the same financial capacity around. That way, broke friends won’t bother asking you for a dime.
- Buy pure water when eating outside. *winks*
- Zip your mouth. Don’t share every promotion details especially in churches.
- Fear God and Fear men also. Not everyone is actually human. (IyKyk)
- Say NO where necessary. No one can emotionally blackmail you to inconveniencing yourself for their luxurious life style.
- Stay woke. Ji! MASUN.
Till I find the time to write again, note that bills as an adult requires responsibility to actually accept and clear all, but bills from the billing agents such as some ladies in your life especially requires wisdom.
Be wise my fellow warriors.
Aluta continua victoria acerta!
Victory is ours men.
I remain yours always, Solanke Olamilekan K.